Redemption

After I made my decision as a child to accept the gift of salvation Jesus offered, I knew I had eternal life and that I would go to heaven to be with Jesus when I died. However, I had no one to disciple me and teach me more about the decision I had made. I had my Bible and I kept learning more about Jesus. I attended church with my family but it was always more of a social group than anything else. Life continued and my faith was there, but it didn't have a huge impact on my life.

Just before Christmas, when I was twelve years old, my world was turned upside down. My mom was told that she had cancer. This news affected each person in our family differently. Somehow in my head, I had convinced myself that this was my fault. I thought it was my responsibility to make everything right again. Even though I was the youngest in the family, I took over my mom's domestic responsibilities. I also told myself that I had to be the one to hold my family together. I took care of my mom while she was in the hospital and I stayed with her through many long days and nights of treatment.

In the midst of her recovery, she became ill again. This was the beginning of a long struggle with depression for me. Over the next year and a half, I threw myself into being the stone pillar I felt I needed to be to support my family. My energy was focused entirely on making my mom well again. I shut out the world around me in my attempt. I hid my emotions behind the stone walls I had built to hid my pain. Two years after my mom was first told she had cancer, she was making improvements and gaining strength by the day. Suddenly, just after the new year began, she had a heart attack and went home to be with Jesus. My purpose for the past two years had been making my mom well again. I had failed. She was my best and only friend and the focus of my energy and efforts. I had already learned to hide my pain so those around me thought I was handling her death as well as could be expected.

What others couldn't see was the emptiness that I felt inside and the darkness that consumed my being. I was broken and I had no purpose or desire to live. I cried myself to sleep at night and built more walls so no one would know the depths of my pain. In my brokenness, I attempted to end the pain by ending my life. Thankfully, the Lord was not finished with me yet and in my multiple attempts, He protected me. In my warped mind, I saw His protection and provision as my failure and my secrets remained well hidden. Later that year, my dad remarried. This was a crushing blow to my already broken heart. Once again I had failed my family, I wasn't enough. I felt orphaned as my dad began this new life. These feelings of abandonment left me in a place darker than I knew possible.

Several months later, I attended a weekend retreat that I will never forget. That weekend, I met many women who knew the kind of brokenness that I felt inside. They had lived through experiences that crushed a person's soul the way mine was crushed. As they shared their stories and opened their lives and hearts with the group of us there, I began to see a joy in their lives that didn't make sense. How could these women who had known so much pain, experience that amount of joy?

As time passed that weekend, I realized that these women had a relationship with Jesus that was deeper than just accepting His gift of salvation. They believed He had the power to heal their deep, dark, painful places and reached out to Him for healing.

Matthew 9:20-22
And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment, for she said to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will be made well." Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well." And instantly the woman was made well.

Just like that woman, the women I met that weekend had experienced Jesus' healing touch and they followed Him with their whole being. From that weekend on, I began reaching out to Jesus, believing that He would heal my deep, dark, painful places too. He was faithful in healing my wounds one by one as I brought them to Him. I began devouring His word and anything else there was to read about following Jesus this way, with my whole being. I started being changed from the inside as Jesus healed my broken pieces and tore down the stone walls I had built to hide them.

Ezekiel 11:19-20
And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God.

Just like He did for the Israelites, God replaced my stones for His heart of flesh. Through this journey, I am learning to cherish the dark and broken times because it was in those times that I learned the joy of following Jesus.

I know there are so many people in this world who see no hope or purpose for their lives. They are stuck in the deep, dark, painful places and think that is all there is. Praise God for the healing and joy He brings through His love for us! My desire to tell people about Jesus springs from the overflow of His love inside of me. I know the power His love has and the redemption that is possible for those who are willing to reach out, believing in faith that He will heal and bring restoration. I want my life to be a credible witness to the work Jesus has done in my heart. There are so many who have never heard about this love and my heart aches for them. My soul longs to tell them all about this incredible love!

Father, help me to see others the way You see them! Stoke the fire in my heart so that it burns passionately to share Your love with the lost and hurting people of the world. Help me Lord, to live a life that shines Your love to those around me so they will see Your love and follow passionately too!