Two weeks from today I will be getting on a plane and flying to Germany where I will meet my teammates. From there, the three of us will be taking a connecting flight to Johannesburg. Wow! How did the time go so quickly? It seems like just yesterday that I was arguing with God about even the possibility of going to Africa. He told me to go. I told Him no. I'm not exactly sure why I continue to fight God when He tells me to do something. Over and over again, I tell Him no and He always wins in the end. You'd think I would learn and stop wasting time with the arguing! So how exactly did I get to this place? What happened that I will get on a plane in 2 weeks and fly to Africa?
Back in the summer when I was still in Russia, I started to feel like the Lord wanted me to serve Him overseas again for a while this Spring. I considered it and prayed about it. I assumed that He would send me back to Russia. I even got a job offer to go back to Ufa and teach English after I graduated. The more I prayed about spending this Spring in Russia, the more I was certain that was not where I was supposed to be. In my limited understanding, I took that to mean that I was supposed to get a job after I graduated and start teaching.
Sometime in August, I began to feel a specific call to Africa. I ignored it, thinking it couldn't possibly be from the Lord, He wanted me to get a job and be a responsible adult. I started to make my own plans for the Spring semester and look into teaching jobs. I decided that if I couldn't find a permanent teaching position, I would substitute teach and possibly take on a part time job as well. I had my plans and I asked the Lord to get behind them and bless them. Ha!
More and more I began to feel drawn to Africa and knew that it was the Lord. I remember telling Him, "No, I am going to teach. I am not going to Africa. My plans have been made and I am not changing them. I have loans to pay and I need to get a job." I am so thankful that the Lord is patient with me because I am sure that I try His patience rather severely. Finally, during a missions conference at church, I couldn't ignore Him anymore.
I decided to look into the opportunities that were available. If I couldn't find one that fit my time frame then I would have my excuse to stay. My mind was made up. When I began exploring, I found a program through the IMB called Hands On. I had never heard of it and it wasn't easy to find more information about it, but it fit my time frame exactly and they had many trips to many different countries in Africa. My excuse was gone.
I opened all the project descriptions in different tabs and began to read through them. I decided to not look at the countries, just the job descriptions. I closed the ones that didn't seem like a good fit for me. Out of the two dozen or more descriptions, I ended up with four. All four of those were in South Africa. This was the one country in Africa I didn't want to go to! I have friends from South Africa and I was afraid of what they might say about me going there. Their family left ten years ago because of the conditions there and I've heard many stories about the danger and crime.
I decided that I would apply for the program and I listed the South Africa projects even though I didn't want to. A week later, I went to a collegiate conference and there was a representative from the IMB. The Lord knew that I needed confirmation, and it needed to be very clear. This representative was an IMB worker who was on stateside assignment. His country of service was South Africa and he knew quite a bit about the Hands On program. I'm note sure how much clearer of a sign He could have given me but this one worked. From that time, I began getting excited about South Africa and the Lord began growing in me a heart for the people of this country.
Three and a half months later, here I am, getting ready to leave for Johannesburg. I still have some money to raise but the Lord is my provider and He will make this happen too. Satan is doing his best to discourage me and convince me that I am not supposed to go but I know that this is the Lord's will and I will not let Satan get a foothold on me! I am so excited to see what the God is going to do while I am in South Africa and I am pumped to meet my teammates and experience that fellowship as well! The next 5 months will be an adventure and I am ready for it!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Redemption
After I made my decision as a child to accept the gift of salvation Jesus offered, I knew I had eternal life and that I would go to heaven to be with Jesus when I died. However, I had no one to disciple me and teach me more about the decision I had made. I had my Bible and I kept learning more about Jesus. I attended church with my family but it was always more of a social group than anything else. Life continued and my faith was there, but it didn't have a huge impact on my life.
Just before Christmas, when I was twelve years old, my world was turned upside down. My mom was told that she had cancer. This news affected each person in our family differently. Somehow in my head, I had convinced myself that this was my fault. I thought it was my responsibility to make everything right again. Even though I was the youngest in the family, I took over my mom's domestic responsibilities. I also told myself that I had to be the one to hold my family together. I took care of my mom while she was in the hospital and I stayed with her through many long days and nights of treatment.
In the midst of her recovery, she became ill again. This was the beginning of a long struggle with depression for me. Over the next year and a half, I threw myself into being the stone pillar I felt I needed to be to support my family. My energy was focused entirely on making my mom well again. I shut out the world around me in my attempt. I hid my emotions behind the stone walls I had built to hid my pain. Two years after my mom was first told she had cancer, she was making improvements and gaining strength by the day. Suddenly, just after the new year began, she had a heart attack and went home to be with Jesus. My purpose for the past two years had been making my mom well again. I had failed. She was my best and only friend and the focus of my energy and efforts. I had already learned to hide my pain so those around me thought I was handling her death as well as could be expected.
What others couldn't see was the emptiness that I felt inside and the darkness that consumed my being. I was broken and I had no purpose or desire to live. I cried myself to sleep at night and built more walls so no one would know the depths of my pain. In my brokenness, I attempted to end the pain by ending my life. Thankfully, the Lord was not finished with me yet and in my multiple attempts, He protected me. In my warped mind, I saw His protection and provision as my failure and my secrets remained well hidden. Later that year, my dad remarried. This was a crushing blow to my already broken heart. Once again I had failed my family, I wasn't enough. I felt orphaned as my dad began this new life. These feelings of abandonment left me in a place darker than I knew possible.
Several months later, I attended a weekend retreat that I will never forget. That weekend, I met many women who knew the kind of brokenness that I felt inside. They had lived through experiences that crushed a person's soul the way mine was crushed. As they shared their stories and opened their lives and hearts with the group of us there, I began to see a joy in their lives that didn't make sense. How could these women who had known so much pain, experience that amount of joy?
As time passed that weekend, I realized that these women had a relationship with Jesus that was deeper than just accepting His gift of salvation. They believed He had the power to heal their deep, dark, painful places and reached out to Him for healing.
Matthew 9:20-22
And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment, for she said to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will be made well." Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well." And instantly the woman was made well.
Just like that woman, the women I met that weekend had experienced Jesus' healing touch and they followed Him with their whole being. From that weekend on, I began reaching out to Jesus, believing that He would heal my deep, dark, painful places too. He was faithful in healing my wounds one by one as I brought them to Him. I began devouring His word and anything else there was to read about following Jesus this way, with my whole being. I started being changed from the inside as Jesus healed my broken pieces and tore down the stone walls I had built to hide them.
Ezekiel 11:19-20
And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God.
Just like He did for the Israelites, God replaced my stones for His heart of flesh. Through this journey, I am learning to cherish the dark and broken times because it was in those times that I learned the joy of following Jesus.
I know there are so many people in this world who see no hope or purpose for their lives. They are stuck in the deep, dark, painful places and think that is all there is. Praise God for the healing and joy He brings through His love for us! My desire to tell people about Jesus springs from the overflow of His love inside of me. I know the power His love has and the redemption that is possible for those who are willing to reach out, believing in faith that He will heal and bring restoration. I want my life to be a credible witness to the work Jesus has done in my heart. There are so many who have never heard about this love and my heart aches for them. My soul longs to tell them all about this incredible love!
Father, help me to see others the way You see them! Stoke the fire in my heart so that it burns passionately to share Your love with the lost and hurting people of the world. Help me Lord, to live a life that shines Your love to those around me so they will see Your love and follow passionately too!
Just before Christmas, when I was twelve years old, my world was turned upside down. My mom was told that she had cancer. This news affected each person in our family differently. Somehow in my head, I had convinced myself that this was my fault. I thought it was my responsibility to make everything right again. Even though I was the youngest in the family, I took over my mom's domestic responsibilities. I also told myself that I had to be the one to hold my family together. I took care of my mom while she was in the hospital and I stayed with her through many long days and nights of treatment.
In the midst of her recovery, she became ill again. This was the beginning of a long struggle with depression for me. Over the next year and a half, I threw myself into being the stone pillar I felt I needed to be to support my family. My energy was focused entirely on making my mom well again. I shut out the world around me in my attempt. I hid my emotions behind the stone walls I had built to hid my pain. Two years after my mom was first told she had cancer, she was making improvements and gaining strength by the day. Suddenly, just after the new year began, she had a heart attack and went home to be with Jesus. My purpose for the past two years had been making my mom well again. I had failed. She was my best and only friend and the focus of my energy and efforts. I had already learned to hide my pain so those around me thought I was handling her death as well as could be expected.
What others couldn't see was the emptiness that I felt inside and the darkness that consumed my being. I was broken and I had no purpose or desire to live. I cried myself to sleep at night and built more walls so no one would know the depths of my pain. In my brokenness, I attempted to end the pain by ending my life. Thankfully, the Lord was not finished with me yet and in my multiple attempts, He protected me. In my warped mind, I saw His protection and provision as my failure and my secrets remained well hidden. Later that year, my dad remarried. This was a crushing blow to my already broken heart. Once again I had failed my family, I wasn't enough. I felt orphaned as my dad began this new life. These feelings of abandonment left me in a place darker than I knew possible.
Several months later, I attended a weekend retreat that I will never forget. That weekend, I met many women who knew the kind of brokenness that I felt inside. They had lived through experiences that crushed a person's soul the way mine was crushed. As they shared their stories and opened their lives and hearts with the group of us there, I began to see a joy in their lives that didn't make sense. How could these women who had known so much pain, experience that amount of joy?
As time passed that weekend, I realized that these women had a relationship with Jesus that was deeper than just accepting His gift of salvation. They believed He had the power to heal their deep, dark, painful places and reached out to Him for healing.
Matthew 9:20-22
And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment, for she said to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will be made well." Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well." And instantly the woman was made well.
Just like that woman, the women I met that weekend had experienced Jesus' healing touch and they followed Him with their whole being. From that weekend on, I began reaching out to Jesus, believing that He would heal my deep, dark, painful places too. He was faithful in healing my wounds one by one as I brought them to Him. I began devouring His word and anything else there was to read about following Jesus this way, with my whole being. I started being changed from the inside as Jesus healed my broken pieces and tore down the stone walls I had built to hide them.
Ezekiel 11:19-20
And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God.
Just like He did for the Israelites, God replaced my stones for His heart of flesh. Through this journey, I am learning to cherish the dark and broken times because it was in those times that I learned the joy of following Jesus.
I know there are so many people in this world who see no hope or purpose for their lives. They are stuck in the deep, dark, painful places and think that is all there is. Praise God for the healing and joy He brings through His love for us! My desire to tell people about Jesus springs from the overflow of His love inside of me. I know the power His love has and the redemption that is possible for those who are willing to reach out, believing in faith that He will heal and bring restoration. I want my life to be a credible witness to the work Jesus has done in my heart. There are so many who have never heard about this love and my heart aches for them. My soul longs to tell them all about this incredible love!
Father, help me to see others the way You see them! Stoke the fire in my heart so that it burns passionately to share Your love with the lost and hurting people of the world. Help me Lord, to live a life that shines Your love to those around me so they will see Your love and follow passionately too!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Responsibility
I grew up going to church and hearing all the Bible stories. I believed them and believed in God. I knew they must be true but I didn't know that I was missing something very important. Until I was seven years old and visiting a friend's church, no one ever told me that believing the stories wasn't enough. I knew who Jesus was, I believed what I had heard and read, but that wasn't enough either. That day during a children's worship service, I learned that I needed to make a decision to accept salvation in order to be a Christian, to have eternal life. I knew I already believed and I was ready to make that decision. Why hadn't anyone ever told me this before? Toward the end of the service, the pastor asked anyone who wanted to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior to walk to the front of the church. I remember praying for Jesus to save me from my sins so that I could go to heaven when I died. At that time, I didn't understand my faith fully, like an adult, but I knew that Jesus was the answer. I had always known that I think, I just didn't know the question. I'm still not sure I know the full depth and breadth of the question, but Jesus is the answer.
Acts 8:26-40
Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip, Rise and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza. This is a desert place. And he rose and went. And there was an Ethiopian, a eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who was in charge of all her treasure. He had come to Jerusalem to worship and was returning, seated in his chariot, and he was reading the prophet Isaiah. And the Spirit said to Philip, Go over and join this chariot. So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, Do you understand what you are reading? And he said, How can I, unless someone guides me? And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. Now the passage of the Scripture that he was reading was this: Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter and like a lamb before its shearer is silent,so he opens not his mouth. In his humiliation justice was denied him.Who can describe his generation?For his life is taken away from the earth. And the eunuch said to Philip, About whom, I ask you, does the prophet say this, about himself or about someone else? Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning with this Scripture he told him the good news about Jesus. And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized? And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he passed through he preached the gospel to all the towns until he came to Caesarea.
If Philip had not been there to explain the scriptures to the Ethiopian, he would have stayed in the dark spiritually. The Ethiopian was a lot like I was as a young child. He had the scriptures in front of him and he could read them for himself, he may even have believed that they were true; however, he was unaware of the full meaning in the stories and the necessity for him to make a decision one way or the other. Without someone to share with him and explain to him, the Ethiopian would have remained spiritually dead, lost in the depravity of sin.
Just as Philip had a responsibility to share the message of Jesus with the Ethiopian and present him with the truth, so am I faced with that same responsibility. I must share the truth and allow the Holy Spirit to move in me to let others know about the most important decision they will ever be faced with. If I don't tell them, who will? If I won't face my responsibility to present Jesus' offer of salvation, their lostness is my fault.
Ezekiel 2:7
And you shall speak my words to them, whether they hear or refuse to hear, for they are a rebellious house
Just as the Lord commanded Ezekiel, I must speak His words to them, whether they hear or refuse to hear. It is not my job to decide who will accept His offer and who will refuse it. My job is obedience in speaking His words and sharing the truth in love. Ezekiel obeyed God and ate the scroll; he spoke the word of the Lord and fulfilled his responsibility. Just like Ezekiel, I must eat the scroll, fill myself with the word of the Lord so I can share the truth in love to those the Lord brings me to. I must speak His word to them. Lamentations should fill my heart for those who don't know the choice that sits before them of glorious reunion with the Father. How selfish am I to not share that?
As I sit and think about the coming months, I am filled with anticipation. I know that the Lord is going to move and work through our team, but I have no idea what that will look like. I want very much to leave Johannesburg having seen the work the Lord will so there. I want to see the whole city come to know Christ. I want to be used by the Lord in the process. I desperately desire for those people to know the Love that is waiting for them. However, I know that the Lord's ways are not my ways and He may only choose to use me to plant seeds there. I may spend four and a half months planting, watering, and tending those seeds only to pass their care on to another who will see the growth the Lord is doing and reap the harvest for Him. I have often been a sower and seldom a reaper. I understand that all jobs are equal in the Lord's service as we work together to bring other closer to Him, but so much sowing leads to discouragement.
Lord, please fill me with Your joy in whatever role You place me. I know You have a plan and a purpose for every conversation, every seed planted, watered, tended, and reaped. Please allow me to fill whichever of those role You have for me. I want to be Your love to the nations. Please, give me Your eyes to see and Your arms to reach further than I can even fathom. I want to see others the way you see them and to love them the way You love them. Help me to shine Your light so others can get a glimpse of You, Jesus!
Acts 8:26-40
Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip, Rise and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza. This is a desert place. And he rose and went. And there was an Ethiopian, a eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who was in charge of all her treasure. He had come to Jerusalem to worship and was returning, seated in his chariot, and he was reading the prophet Isaiah. And the Spirit said to Philip, Go over and join this chariot. So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, Do you understand what you are reading? And he said, How can I, unless someone guides me? And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. Now the passage of the Scripture that he was reading was this: Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter and like a lamb before its shearer is silent,so he opens not his mouth. In his humiliation justice was denied him.Who can describe his generation?For his life is taken away from the earth. And the eunuch said to Philip, About whom, I ask you, does the prophet say this, about himself or about someone else? Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning with this Scripture he told him the good news about Jesus. And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized? And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he passed through he preached the gospel to all the towns until he came to Caesarea.
If Philip had not been there to explain the scriptures to the Ethiopian, he would have stayed in the dark spiritually. The Ethiopian was a lot like I was as a young child. He had the scriptures in front of him and he could read them for himself, he may even have believed that they were true; however, he was unaware of the full meaning in the stories and the necessity for him to make a decision one way or the other. Without someone to share with him and explain to him, the Ethiopian would have remained spiritually dead, lost in the depravity of sin.
Just as Philip had a responsibility to share the message of Jesus with the Ethiopian and present him with the truth, so am I faced with that same responsibility. I must share the truth and allow the Holy Spirit to move in me to let others know about the most important decision they will ever be faced with. If I don't tell them, who will? If I won't face my responsibility to present Jesus' offer of salvation, their lostness is my fault.
Ezekiel 2:7
And you shall speak my words to them, whether they hear or refuse to hear, for they are a rebellious house
Just as the Lord commanded Ezekiel, I must speak His words to them, whether they hear or refuse to hear. It is not my job to decide who will accept His offer and who will refuse it. My job is obedience in speaking His words and sharing the truth in love. Ezekiel obeyed God and ate the scroll; he spoke the word of the Lord and fulfilled his responsibility. Just like Ezekiel, I must eat the scroll, fill myself with the word of the Lord so I can share the truth in love to those the Lord brings me to. I must speak His word to them. Lamentations should fill my heart for those who don't know the choice that sits before them of glorious reunion with the Father. How selfish am I to not share that?
As I sit and think about the coming months, I am filled with anticipation. I know that the Lord is going to move and work through our team, but I have no idea what that will look like. I want very much to leave Johannesburg having seen the work the Lord will so there. I want to see the whole city come to know Christ. I want to be used by the Lord in the process. I desperately desire for those people to know the Love that is waiting for them. However, I know that the Lord's ways are not my ways and He may only choose to use me to plant seeds there. I may spend four and a half months planting, watering, and tending those seeds only to pass their care on to another who will see the growth the Lord is doing and reap the harvest for Him. I have often been a sower and seldom a reaper. I understand that all jobs are equal in the Lord's service as we work together to bring other closer to Him, but so much sowing leads to discouragement.
Lord, please fill me with Your joy in whatever role You place me. I know You have a plan and a purpose for every conversation, every seed planted, watered, tended, and reaped. Please allow me to fill whichever of those role You have for me. I want to be Your love to the nations. Please, give me Your eyes to see and Your arms to reach further than I can even fathom. I want to see others the way you see them and to love them the way You love them. Help me to shine Your light so others can get a glimpse of You, Jesus!
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