I Want to Love Him More

For the past nine years, I have lived a life that is not my own. When I entered into this love-relationship with Jesus, I gave up the right to live my own way. However, since that day, I have repeatedly tried to take back parts of my life and realized that I hadn't fully given every part of me to Him in the first place. My heart's desire is to truly give all that I am to the Lover of my soul yet I find that ever so difficult to do. 1 John 2:6 tells me that if I claim to abide in Him, I ought to walk in the same way in which Jesus walked. That means everything; every decision, both big and small, is no longer my own to make. I must learn to walk as Jesus did. I must learn to give up all of my own ways of doing things and my propensity for taking back control of my life. I must learn to honor my Father with every part of me, my words, my actions, my body, my thoughts, my plans, my dreams, everything. I know that I can never do this on my own, but my Father never expected me to. He is the One who is teaching me what it means to follow Him. More and more I am learning how poor, stupid, wretched and blind I am on my own. My utter depravity when left to my own devices is alarming. I need Jesus more than I need food or water, more than I need sleep, more than I even need air to breathe. I love Him fiercely, but compare with the love and grace He shows me every second of the day, my love is bitter hatred. I desperately long to love Him in the way He deserves, but the best I can do is to love Him a little more with each passing day.